The Urge to Eat When Full

The following is a piece I wrote for a Christmas Newsletter in 2000. It is interesting for me to notice the subtle differences in my writer's voice over the years. And I still like what I wrote - Enjoy!

The urge to eat when physically full is, as you know by now, a weed whose roots comprise of the intricate system of unresolved emotional issues, unpleasant or traumatic feelings and everyday annoyances. When we acknowledge those times when we are physically full and yet still have the urge to eat more, and we resist that urge, we know we are delving into those previously suppressed emotions. We, in truth have no way of knowing what feeling or emotion will emerge for us, at a given moment in time. Our task is to attempt to feel these feelings as they emerge no matter how trivial of intense they seem. We have no way of knowing if the emotional issue at hand is an intensely traumatic one or just a minor complaint that can be dealt with relatively easily.

The task here is for us to be courageous enough to wait and see. Yes, patience and practice enables us to be people who can handle their emotional issues and feelings without eating when full the minute the going gets tough.

I can only say that after fifteen years experience of being a recovered compulsive eater and bulimic, that the learning process, of finding out how to deal with emotional issues, is nothing less than a grand adventure. It is about being truly alive, in my opinion. It is about knowing yourself at deeper and deeper levels. It is about learning the lessons you need to learn in order to be the person you want to be, whilst wholeheartedly accepting the person you are. And without judgement, doing what it takes to be the person you want to be, with the life you want to live.

These are some of the questions I've asked myself along the way, maybe you will find them, and more importantly their answers as useful and interesting as I have:

How can true peace of mind be truly attained?

How can I cease thinking it will be better if I were richer, slimmer, had the big house and important job?

Why do we always look for some outer goal to deliver the precious and longed for happiness, bliss, contentment, or joy?

The truth, and the ultimate lesson of recovering from compulsive eating is this - Nothing out there satisfies unless the inner emotional stuff has been made peace with.

This means the slim figure, in and of itself, does not supply that longed for happiness. That beautiful face can still know the pain of abandonment. The big house and car - empty shells in the face of a traumatic divorce. The job of a lifetime offers no lasting peace of mind when constantly fearing redundancy. The places we thought security lay are not where security is found. The often hard-learned truth is that the joy, security and other yearned for qualities are found deep within your own being.

I love the Hindu Legend that goes something like this: The gods looked down on the humans and were concerned, for the humans were becoming too much like gods themselves. One god said 'We must hide their divinity where they cannot find it. Where shall we hide it?'

'On top of a mountain,' said one god. 

'Oh no.' Said another. 'You know those humans. They are a resourceful lot. They will climb that mountain in no time at all and find their divinity.'

'How about the depths of the deepest ocean?' said another. 

'No, no, no they'll build a submarine and that will be that.'

'How about the hottest desert in the world?'

'Oh no they will think and ponder until they invent a vehicle so powerful as to be able to withstand the highest temperature.'

One god was quiet and then spoke - 'I know where those humans will never find their divinity.'

'Where?' exclaimed the other gods.

'Within themselves!' said the triumphant god and they all knew that was the best hiding place for each human being's divinity. And so it was and is, that the divinity of humanity is hidden within themselves, a place they rarely look. 

So, let us defy the gods if you like, and take heed in the importance of looking within for ourselves. After all many of us have looked outside ourselves for guidance and for our answers. Many of us have looked outside ourselves for guidance and advice rather than seeking out that still small voice within and it's ageless wisdom.

Once we embark on this journey of feeling our feelings which enables us to stop eating when physically full all the more easily - nothing stays the same. We become acutely aware of the impermanence of all things. That can be scary, but it is good to know that the difficult feelings and challenging times are also impermanent. Our answers are truly all within us. Our divinity is truly within us too, if we dare to dream that we too can have great wisdom, compassion and the attributes of the angels.

A woman who gave up compulsive eating a long time ago realised that she was grateful and felt more fulfilled than ever before due to the fact she had healed her compulsive eating, but she still sometimes would get a nagging feeling that something better was round the corner. She realised that part of this feeling was a natural desire to expand and grow. Part came from a true conviction that life does get better as you get older and wiser. And part, in the learning to acknowledge that there was a certain feeling of hopelessness that she needed to integrate. At first she did not know what this feeling was, but knew it was extremely familiar. Then she realised that it came form the fact that she never felt truly seen, or heard or validated in her family. This terrible feeling had been suppressed and now, years later, she is learning to deal with that feeling of hopelessness. Hopeless because no matter what she could have said, or done, she just never would have gotten seen, or heard or validated in the family she grew up in. They just did not know how to do that - they probably had not gotten it themselves. This woman is now learning - in this Christmas season of hope - how to be seen. And for the first time in her life experiencing the love and joy of validation from within herself and from friends, due to the fact she choose to feel her uncomfortable feelings of hopelessness.

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